Bombarded, shot, and the conflict arised.

It begun last week. The exhausted feeling still stay put until this moment. As the gray solemn sky keeps spilling its tears excessively since the last few days , the same solemness with high magnitude of emotional strain mounted inside of me. I do not have enough quality rest and now got to bare an eyesore - work out on computer screen for such long hours.

Being young, green and energetic at your mid 20s does not always guarantee your fitness and health is green all the time. Sometimes it will give you a yellow signal and the worst when it turns red. Since last week, i have been involving in a few task which require me to pump up extra large commitment. Actually that is fine with me and i really do not mind working harder. But when i was required to complete all the hanky panky things within short notice, the yellow signal finally turned on last night. Luckily it did not turn red, yet. God i was nearly wiped off. I am so wimpish. The challenges keep coming day after day. And yesterday, i have been bestowed another task. Great!! Ops, no..it should not be read as 'bestowed' but 'bombarded'. The dateline, will be within next week. Shit, now i might got coronary failure. I feel terrible.

My ramshackle mind and heart could not function orderly. I have no idea what caused all this disorder, this instability, and this great dismay. Hopefully the heart-attack syndrome will be shed away from me, ever. I ponder further...in my effort to find out the answer. I never feel like this before. On my way back home, my heart teared off fiercely. All off sudden, unconsciously all those vulgar words coming out from my mouth. I reckon it is better to let them out than keep inside. Hopefully nobody heard me shouting about those taboo words last night otherwise they would call the police in no time since somebody mad cycling around in the town.

In office, when the 'tension' element appeared, i will always turn up my face from the computer screen toward 'one direction'. Other than having a 'nice' chit chat with my colleagues who sit near to me, this is what i will do when some jobs are boring. Or whenever i need some refreshment or stretching out my neck. Looking on that 'direction' never make me boring. I definitely enjoy the scenery, the view, the beauty, and the character who is sitting on the opposite side. Damn, why i got this kind of feeling now. I never asked for it, man. Shishh, is she that is all about. I start to figure out the puzzle. Ever since i had a chance to chat with her during our way back together after office hour, she is the girl. "I should spot on her", my inner voice says. Yeah i must admit, she is very attractive and pretty. Very very adorable and nice.

"But she is a Japanese. Think further dude, think about future. Your culture and your religion is far different with hers. You know she is kind of expose herself a bit or simply say she is sexy. She might stun ten yards if you asked her to cover up herself and veil her beautiful hairs. She might argue why at all of sudden when she has been tied up with you, she can not eat pork or even touch pig or lovely cute dog just like before !! What if your parents can not accept her style, her cookings, her culture and likewise, her parents hard to accept you as part of the family. You do not drink sake, beer or wine. You obviously will not eat her mom's cooking pork, or even chicken or beef which is slaughtered not as Islamic prescribing! So think further dude. Do you think with all joy, she will wholeheartedly follow you going back to your homeland after everything is over here in Japan ? That she will leave her families, her friends and her life in Japan to risk her destiny to be with you ?" My inner voice keep on saying.

This kind of conflict and unsecured feeling made me weak. I am lost. Lost in 'translation'. I do not know. Am i destined to tie the knot with a Japanese girl ? That's the question which i am still searching the definite answer. And all this conflict do really affect the journey of my life..a bit. Yeah whatever it is, i reckon it is the time. The time has come at last. I should not wait and waste the time any longer. I must initiate the move. A move that leads to the great affair. The great affair of love.

And to the question of what made me crazy cursed all the way back home from office last night, i got the hint. Yeah i got it very clear. I was 'crazy' because i could not make it, to accompany her on her way back home from office to the Okaba station. I got to stay extra longer at office since my 'boss' requested me to prepare some documentations. Damn....and this is not the first time i miss that golden chance. Too many.

Man...man, isn't love is crazy !


Besto Regardo,

My inner voice says again, but this time in different tone. "Come on boy, go for it and give it your best shot. Get up from your disparity. Don't let all those works 'shit' make you down. Come on. You determine your life and what's best for it. Because you are the man...yeah you are the lucky man."
And i will say this to my inner voice..."Yeah, i knew it coz you are my SOUL"

Now i am going to rest and sleep a lot..before the fear of being bombarded appears again next week.

以上です。